Anxiety, all my life I had some
form of anxiety. It started out small; I hated answering the door if I didn’t
know the person on the other end of it, I didn’t like calling to schedule my
own doctor’s appointments, as well as other small stuff. All these things were
normal things that people can form anxiety over and to think of it, I think
everyone has a small form of anxiety. It could be that you are afraid to fail
your classes or stressing out about an exam that you spent the entire night
studying. However, like everything else, there are times when it becomes out of
hand for some people. I am one of those people.
It started happening almost a year
ago when I first started dating my current boyfriend. In the beginning, I was
the happiest person in the entire world. My best friends and family notice the
difference in my attitude. I was optimistic and wanted to frolic around in a field
of daisies (and a part of me is still like that today). However, my attitude
slowly started to change when I realized how much this man meant to me and how easily
I was falling head-over-heels in love with him. It was then that my anxiety
began to skyrocket. I became paranoid about everything; if I was good enough
for him (since he was my first and I wasn’t his), if he felt the same way about
me, and ,the biggest one that still plagues my mind, if he is using/playing
me. It affected me some much that I would constantly ask him if he still wanted to
be with me, why he loved me, and anything that would give me the reassurance that
I needed. It never came. I made myself into a person I never wanted to be, so insecure
with myself and, I admit, crazy. Looking
back on it now, I realize that I was forming unrealistic fears and everything
is in my head, and I still dealing with those fears.
Today, it’s a lot more all-encompassing.
I’m now terrified of talking strangers, ordering food over the phone, be in a
room alone with strangers, going to class, trying new things, as well as all my
fears about my relationship. I’m still terrified of losing him, of him not
loving me anymore, and of him hiding things from me. But, over several months,
I’ve learned to control it a bit better I have learned to hold in it as much as
I can, because that’s how I cope. I go to a therapist and talk to people about
how I feel when I truly need it, and most of all I’ve learned to enjoy those
happy moments more. To really smile, and do things that I feel comfortable with
and to make good memories with the people I love. That’s what really matters.
So, if any of you reading this are
dealing with the same exact thing or something similar, I just want you to know
that you are not alone. There are other people out there that are going through
the same thing. Look at me, I’m a 21 year old girl who is terrified to tell her
family that her real passion is writing and can’t go to school without having a
panic attack so she takes classes on online. If you ever need to talk or vent I
want you to know that I’m here for you.. You can contact me on Tumblr or
Instagram if need be. We can get through this, together.
I love you all
Megan
